Guy Fawkes Day

weird friday shakes today – my brain is exhausted i think – plus i think i’m hallucinating, because i could SWEAR it’s snowing. what the fuck? i have to press my face on the window and let my jaw hang for a moment while i assess this situation…..

well, i think it WAS snowing.

the outsides of my wrists and the underside of my mandible (falling into top 5 favorite words of all time) are red from scratching, another sign of exhaustion. luckily i cut my nails way down so i’m not actually scratching myself. i just get so ITCHY when the battery light comes on. feel like that creepy running-down teddy ruxpin voice is going to come out every time i open my mouth, or the sound a tape makes when you fast-forward it – WWWHHHHEEEEEEEEE – shudders and bursts before randomness dissolves into nothing.  i’m repeating myself to the kiddo – i can tell because he doesn’t want to play with me, he’s content to just play cars, drums, and just throw me those exasperated toddler looks now and then when i suggest something unappealing. tonight is grandparent night, he’s ready for a break from me anyway.

birds and birds on the wires. the flocks of blackbirds have been moving through the last two days, moving like schools of fish.

gonna break into a ramble, better wrap this up. it’s friday. there’s a netflix movie in the mailbox, it’s either robin hood (eric’s pick) or equus (combo pick).  tonight i’ll sleep. tomorrow i’ll sleep in, then watch judi dench in my pajamas with a cup of coffee, and by afternoon i should have most of my brain matter gathered back up. some of it’s in the bathroom, some under the bed, a LOT is stuck in between the keys on this keyboard, and the rest is on the bottom of all our shoes….

close to fragmenting. have to stop internet communication for the weekend, everything comes out wrong when i’m tired. this is all coming out wrong. sounds like a major deal when it’s just an average burnout from a long 2 weeks. i’ll be 5X5 tomorrow.

WHAT DOES 5X5 ACTUALLY MEAN?? where did that come from? is it about a square??? anyway, time to burn some effigies or blow something up, all depends on which side i decide to choose for the day – american film version or popular british version. normally i side with whatever includes the most fire, but this really is a can’ t lose situation.

grey matter & llamas

i can feel quite clearly my brain has come loose from its moorings, sort of rattling around in there, clonking off the sides of my head as i tilt it – each pressure point throwing up a random image or memory – tilt forward – clonk – scene from buffy where spike threw his arms over the cross and smoke rose – tilt to the right – rattle and smack – did herman melville’s work process for moby dick look ANYTHING like i picture it? at the begininnig with him MAD with ideas, pacing at the front of a stuffy attic room full of ramshackle desks, gathered vagrants, poor students and generally confused hopefuls bent over books and pads, or scribbling general knowledge, others sketching rudimentary sketches of whales and their anatomy, unable to spell but drawing the pictures up from their minds, coaxing them out, all with the dust swirling in the light from the one open window, and melville as i picture him, pacing and feeling a bit of the ahab as he watched the information accumulate and pile into stacks of gorgeous paper and the idea and obsession clogged his head and he smoked and stopped to scratch snatches of prose or single interesting words or effective descriptions – tilt right, pop neck, smack – they can’t seriously be thinking about putting more animals in that field. what is that? buncha horses, two llamas, two miniature donkeys, a regualr donkey, a rabbit hutch, and  now a  chicken coop?? dumb fucks. rednecks with money are ten times worse than poor rednecks – head shake, eye scrunch, shake rattle and roll – how many times can you come apart without doing it safely under the cover of night and not end up divorced? and how much sleep do you really need to survive? and how clean does a house have to be to count as clean? does it have to be MORE clean if the judges are landlords? what about landlords AND relatives? how many books are enough for a two-year-old for one day? ten one day, one the next, zero, then two, five, five, four, two, ten, none, etc and on… does the inconsistency make for inconsistent brain development? how much m- c- has to build up in your system before m- into c- m- and start causing headaches and sickness? is there already tissue damage, organ damage, brain damage, irreversible damage, by that point?  if so, how much? – big sigh, chin on chest, squelch sound, brain resting against back of eyeballs, pushing them forward in sockets – how long before i short out? – tilt back – i haven’t watched titus andronicus in like a year, i’m really in the mood for some gorgeous violence and shakespearean monologues “OFT I HAVE DUG UP THE BODIES-”  – yawn, feeling grey matter run down the back of throat, acidy phlegm, don’t cough, that’s your brain, swallow hard – if solitary bees build nests of flower petals, how do they become solitary? what makes them suddenly break free? or are they cast out??