the new religion – plus clint eastwood and a lil’ about a boat

DOROTHY: Okay. There was a mandatory inservice. They said to bring my lunch, which I did. Then as soon as we got there, he made us get up and make an imaginary boat out Of tables. Then we had to sit in the boat and row the boat. I refused. He said the boat won’t move if we don’t all row. Well. I don’t think it was ever gonna Move. Then he tried to make me sing row your boat. I did not. Still, the boat didn’t move. Then he said to break into groups of strangers and write song about Customer service. Suggested we use a lady gaga tune. I left. I won’t disrespect lady gaga. She’s does too much for the community.
BLANCHE: That may be the best job ending story I’ve ever heard.
DOROTHY: You see why I’m not upset? Too absurd.
BLANCHE: well, it made my evening infinitely better. so thank you for that.
DOROTHY: Any time. It was appalling
….
DOROTHY: We poor appalachians. We aren’t entitled to anything.
BLANCHE: i know. we’re supposed to scrape by, tis our way.
DOROTHY: And keep all our assets in a mason jar
BLANCHE: Yep. And be quietly disdainful of those who live off the government.
DOROTHY: I made my disdainful face. Not to be confused with my unreasonable suspicion of up to no goodedness face
 BLANCHE: There’s a subtle difference in mouth-corner position that makes those two faces completely different.
DOROTHY: Little bit in the corner of of the mouth. Definitely.
BLANCHE: The appalachian facial gesture language is subtle and multi-faceted. Surely clint eastwood studied it for years.
DOROTHY: I just built a house for the litter box. That’s right. I did it. By myself.
BLANCHE: you are like jesus
DOROTHY: Yes. A capricorn and a carpenter.
BLANCHE: and you love sandals.
DOROTHY: Well yes. And organic food.
BLANCHE: and comfortable,natural fabrics. and women.
DOROTHY: And talkin all flowery like. Damn. I am just like jesus.
BLANCHE: sometimes it takes us awhile to catch on to stuff like this. you should probably try to have more flowy hair
DOROTHY: I’ll try! Maybe wear more robe like dresses.
BLANCHE: like sleep with it braided
DOROTHY: I see. Wavier. I can do that.
BLANCHE: i bet you COULD make that boat go…….
DOROTHY: Boat? I don’t even need a fucking boat.
BLANCHE: HA!  you already have this incredible cache of subtle facial expressions. why are we not starting a new religion?
DOROTHY: I’m gonna be telling someones grandkids thr story of how I got fired. and why is this the first time youve asked me that question?
BLANCHE: i get busy, i forget. i totally wanna be judas, okay? i’m going to look brooding – LOTS.
DOROTHY: Of course . You know the only thing I know about the bible I learned from jesus christ superstar right?
BLANCHE: yeah, that’s everything. lots of singing hippies and political strife. got it.
DOROTHY: And a whore!
BLANCHE: YES!!! let’s get a real one so as to be authentic. more money that way. but we should get motorcycles like in the lady gaga video.
DOROTHY: Fuck the bake sales!
BLANCHE: fuck the soap!!
DOROTHY: Yes!
BLANCHE: the only difficulty is finding some mihrr. especially since i can’t spell it. you keep your fucking pachouli outta this.
DOROTHY: OOoh. I think you can get marzipan candy? I’ll check the hippie food store
BLANCHE: well, you’re going to have to look peaceful. i’ll try to brood more as practice. then we’ll hit athens and find some suitable religious hippy clothes – where to get the whore?
DOROTHY: That can’t be hard to find
BLANCHE: yeah but we need a really good one. columbus, easy
DOROTHY: We’re only getting one, so she has to be good
BLANCHE: i told you it would be hard! let’s just look while we’re in athens. i don’t want no fuckin drama whore. i want one of those Ween-type Weed Whores
DOROTHY: Perfect. Very hippified whore.
BLANCHE: i’m just gonna throw this out there, but think we should MAAAAYBE change the ending. like just sell beaded necklaces and whatnot in new mexico on a compound as opposed to you getting crucified.
DOROTHY: Oh. I fully support this idea.
BLANCHE: this is gonna be a lot easier than soap. mean, i already have beads. you can bless the hell out of them.
DOROTHY: Perfect. And we don’t have to worry about the lye.
BLANCHE: goddamned lye. you know, though, i still kind of want to make soap.
DOROTHY: Well, I always think crafts are a good idea. I’d like to tie dye professionally
BLANCHE: as the messiah, i think this would be pretty much perfect. i’ll bead, you tie dye. we smoke pot and sell our wares. but ‘m tellin you, you bring pachouli into it and we’ll have some real sing-offs, just like the real thing.
DOROTHY: This sounds like a flawless plan
BLANCHE: well, they all pretty much are – we just seem t have an issue with follow-through. like, we still don’t have black market babies or homemade soap.
DOROTHY: I think we can go ahead and combine all three plans
BLANCHE: word.
BLANCHE: of GOD.
DOROTHY: Precisely
BLANCHE: OOOH!!! OOOOH!!! we have to make special tie dyes – whoever the whore is can wear the first one so as to establish it in fashion “I’M NOT GOD BUT MY GIRLFRIEND IS”
DOROTHY: Oh. My. Soul. That’s perfect.
BLANCHE: i think we might actually be getting some divine intervention here.
DOROTHY: Divine inspiration at the very least
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SOAP

Me: so i think we should go all fight club and make some soap. i’ve been on about.com and it looks pretty easy, and i promise not to give you a chemical burn.

angela: Well. Okay.

 Me: as far as i can tell we have all the equipment, except a “stick mixer” which i translate to mean “stir really fast”  

angela: Very. Hmm. Surely we got something like that.

 Me: it seems unnecessary to buy such a specialized piece of equipment for that – and i KNOW they didn’t have one in fight club!

angela: Would it melt the spoon?  Definitely not. Maybe we can use a blender.

Me: they say you can just mix it in a big bowl, or one of those big metal pots with the lids. i think if we put it in the blender we would ruin the blender and lose at least one of our combined 4 eyes.

angela: Hmm. Good point. I forget to put the lid on about half the time. 

Me: no wait, goggles are on the list – so i guess just the blender would be in danger

angela: And the house

Me: well yes – and skin. lye is involved.

angela: Ah. My — is the —-. He has those big orange suits.

Me: YES!!! then we could video it, and the soapmaking process could be the way to advertise our soap business.

angela: I’d feel safe and very clean knowing my soap required hazmat suits during production.

Me: where the fuck do you get beef tallow?? i mean yeah it says beef tallow OR lard OR palm oil, i’m just wondering where one would acquire beef tallow

angela: Hmm. The amish?

Me: well, at the least the hazmat suits would be a guarantee we didn’t sneeze in it accidentally, or cough or whatever. very clean soap.  i have to look up what beef tallow is 

angela: You know I’m not touching beef tallow. Fat!

Me: i looked it up. fuck that. i SAW it, angela – you can buy it.

angela: Nooooo. I can’t buy it.

Me: well, tallow is a very fancy word – if it was fat in cute little cubes that looked like fudge it would make it usable, but it just looks like disgusting fucking fat, so fuck that.

angela: Hmm. Maybe foil wrapped like buillion cubes. 

Me: no tallow. not very fight club, but i’m not handling that tallow shit.

angela: Fuck that is correct. The lipo dumpster scene makes me sick. Really sick.

Me: also that makes it an animal-free soap, that’s an extra selling point. “there are no cows in this soap.” right on the label 

angela: That always gets me. “Cruelty free” bullshit.

Me: there you go. if we’re the only ones injured in the process, it’s very marketable. if i had known it was this easy to make soap, i could’ve saved us all thousands and thousands of dollars.

 angela: I’m pretty sure I’ll burn myself. I spill things. 

Me: you can just hand me mixtures. i’ll stir.

angela: Really really fast. Hmmm. This is so easy. Why haven’t we done this before?

Me: so easy. we’re making soap. so many people make candles, fuck that. we’ll make cow-free soap.

angela: It seems perfect. And easy.

Me: i was thinking our logo could be a cow with a circle around it and a line thorugh it, like no cows, but that seems anti-cow.

angela: That does. Hmm. Fat free should be on the label somewhere.

Me: what a goddamned racket. all we have to is make it pretty and smelly and we can make a killing. they show them cutting the bars off a big log of soap with a kitchen knife.

angela: We’re good at making things pretty 

Me: yep. and we can stir, and have access to hazmat suits, so we can do this.

angela: Hells yes. And you’re very persuasive.

Me: well, we need oils, lye, water and a fucking shoebox, and we have a business. it’s crazy NOT to do this!!  oh wait, also a spoon!!

angela: I’m embarassed we didn’t do it sooner

Me: but i have several spoons, so we’re cool. me too. i really don’t understand why fight club didn’t spur us to make soap. well, except for the implication that we needed human waste. 

angela: Still. Seems like we would have at least researched

 Me: so now we just need ingredients and a free day.

angela: Is this all like a kit? Or do we have to go find ingredients?

Me: we go get it. they have pussy ass kits where we just buy pre-made synthetic soap, melt it, toss in smell good then pour it in the molds, but we’re not pussies. this is about fight club, remember?  fight club and ribbons and mint.

angela: I think maybe that’s our business name. “I like pussy and fight club”. 

Me: THAT is what goes on the label!!!  with a picture of a cow with a line through it.  the confusion can only add to the cutting edge appearance of all of it.

angela: Yes. This is going to make us a million dollars. Actually, if we went to the lions den and just wrote pussy on the label, we could easily sell it. We have to be focused. I can’t let you convince me that we should shape the soap like penises. And don’t let me tell you everyone loves patchouli. Its not true

Me: See, it will take both of us to keep this from being a fiasco. Or ALL my soaps would be shaped like penises and all yours would smell like hippies.

angela: I did assume you were gonna try to tell me penis shaped was ergonomical and marketable.