andrea, and snow…

i’ve been dreaming andrea into a lot of dreams….

there’s a sort of disconnection from the real world going on right now, that feeling of all the kitestrings being pulled waaay too tight – and i’m hiding box cutters behnd my back and sighing and wondering what to do, because there aren’t that many strings left and who knows if it’s the eggshell dome sky or  holiday loneliness or typical winter melancholy clouding my judgement as to whether i should slash the strings or wait…. ugh too much purple prose.

for three, i do not hold the blade. andrea, not for you. a—-, i love you, come back when you’re ready and send pictures of your cats in the meantime if you get the chance.  m—, you may or may not hold scissor of your own, but i’m happy to let you drift in and out as you please.

in the dreams, i can see the scenes i want to write, and sometimes andrea is wearing the corset with the red yarn laces that run up the side, over top the places where the scars would be – and other times i pass her while i run down the street, she’s at an iron table reading a newspaper, posture flawless, and i think  “hey, that’s…”  but whatever i’m chasing takes precedence and i run on, barefoot.

h— is troubling. i believe she is attacking the string with a chainsaw, trying to make sense of her world by eliminating disagreeable people. and i keep plucking at the string, seeing what will happen. sending mixed vibrations down the line to louisiana, thinking “maybe if i were MORE offensive, she’d pick up the phone…”

i’ve found some new strings, and i’m half-heartedly tugging, trying to keep emotional investment out of it at this juncture. k—, with the use of candles, pulling you slowly into my orbit if possible… and m—, we just dropped the string for many years. i’m jiggling rather than pulling.

all of you shall be written in. each in your own shop, in a town that doesn’t exist, each with a list of words or phrases that will emerge if prompted by the yank of a string or the twist of a key.

boring melancholy!! but no emotion fits wet december as snugly. like a latex glove. on an embalmer. in a mint green room in the basement.

I NEED SNOW.

so andrea, what’s up? how is life? do you OWN a corset, and will you be in town for the holidays?  i have a new book for you, and wonder if there’s a knot in the string somewhere, or a snag…. 

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the past according to magazines….

i love Reminisce magazine. i never throw them away, i just store them and dog-ear pages with the intention of cutting out the best pictures – no idea what to do with them. some are perfect to be taping into my map/brainstorm notebook, some i could send to jane in a letter, some i could pin to the fridge with alphabet magnets. i love the old cars and family photos, the dolls, service photos, kodachrome color slides. the misplaced letters that led to marriages, the ice skates paid off on christmas eve, anonymously. i love the hearing aid ads, recipes, the section where people do nothing but inquire about the verses to a nursery rhyme or ask about cross-stitch patterns.

i don’t know what i’m rambling about. it’s closing on 2am and i’m watching Investigation Discovery and looking at Reminisce magazine at the same time. it defies logic. look at that little fire truck! what? her throat was slit?

there are a million dishes, and i can’t do a puzzle till i go through the mail and clear off the table. my sis feels far away, i can feel her sinking and re-absorbing into her family, i can feel myself and my son fade from the picture, like that photo marty carried around in Back to the Future…

eric is incredible. he hasn’t really commented on my lack of movement. he just offers love and room for me to stumble around.

christmas is closing in, and this gorgeous tree and gorgeously lit green skull are begging me to PLEASE stop being a big selfish baby and start wrapping some presents or learning to navigate word documents on the mac or clip out the pictures or go to bed – SOMETHING.

soon. one more day. i’ll have wednesday, and thursday i’ll shake this weight off my ankles and clean the house. but i need one more day…..