no matter how much of a bitch i become during the holidays, or how much i feel like imploding or running in circles, by dark at New Year’s Eve i feel like this:

i wish for you to become positively infected with hope – so that it itches under your skin like hatching spider eggs, forcing you to run into the sunlight and do so much wonderful shit that you can’t help but love the baby hope spiders and blow them on their gauzy threads to the four corners of the world to burrow into the skins of the ones you love….

typical pre-holiday meltdown blah blah intestinally graphic

i feel right on the edge of running loops around the house while barefoot through the mud, rain, grass, dogshit while SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING.

good, good, the cat just took down a stack of dvds. that helps. i’ll get that in a second. for now i’m just going to type and twitch while i have this free moment, kiddo cramming his face full of bagel.

where to begin? kitten is a woman, now, all of a sudden. the christmas tree is her mate of choice – oh, the things we’ve seen. the tree is a sad state of drooping lights and bent branches and cat hair. she yowls all through the night the last two nights, and climbs the walls. no one sleeps. she yowls through the day. she’s yowling now. i just locked her in her carrier for a half hour break. also, i dropped all my winter weight – BOOM – all my hard-earned T&A disappeared. suspected intestinal parasites, for that reason and others i will not detail. i was correct. now my body is ridding itslef of all infection and parasites, and the medicine has made my stomach ulcer start to bleed again. IT’S HORRIFYING. and like most any medication that pushes infection out of your system, it’s caused my entire face to break out. also today is the day of the Serpent Mound solstice event, and i was pretty sure i had plans to go to that – but now i’m pretty sure i’ve been ditched. i say ‘pretty sure’ because i’ve yet to be addressed directly about it, but i saw a facebook post about shit luck that i wasn’t sure had anything to do with me until pretty much TODAY. didn’t ask for a call, or even a text. shit, a facebook comment of  ‘sorry, can’t make it’ would’ve sufficed. i’m really not sure when communication dissolved into this level of passive-aggressive indirectness, that a random post on facebook that did not address me was supposed to be magically translated by me into a calling-off of plans. even now, i’m not sure it applied to me, i’m just looking for some sign that i wasn’t outright forgotten about, but just avoided for fear of facing my disappointment. i’m trying to give credit for.. shit, i don’t know. i would’ve loved some snow today. i can’t sleep, no matter how much i move things around and clean, there are still things everywhere and my one modest ‘i will keep the living room tidy for the holidays’ promise to myself seems impossible – there are dvds all over the floor, even now, that i should be picking up. i forgot to get candy for the stockings. i might vomit at any second.

the thing is, i KNOW in my left brain how good things are: my husband and son are healthy and love me and each other, the house is warm and cozy, and on christmas morning we’ll all be together.

it’s just hard to remember with the sounds of my guts rolling while they BURN, layered with the yowling cat, my son wanting kitty OUT of her carrier…

it’s my blog and i’ll cry if i want to. that’s all i have to say about this post. shaky hands. i need 4 xanax and ten minutes to myslef in the woods to just SCREAM AND SCREAM.

wish it would snow…..

delicately drawn holiday (victorian christmas images)

sleep revelations

i slept. like the dead, like a rock, like as close to sleeping and not ever waking up again that you can get – and still wake up. at 7 adam woke and i got up with him, and eric got out of bed and said i could go back to sleep. i threw off the worry of residual guilt and the inherent have-to-do-everything-or-suffer-guilt strings and just went back to bed.

for three and a half hours i was completely unconscious in the most meaningful way. i feel like that entire time, my subconscious was working through every little and big preoccupation i’ve avoided in waking and sleeping hours.

dreamt i was a spy, dreamt heather was living at my mom’s and answered the phone when i called, i wasn’t expecting it. dreamt a million other things i don’t remember. woke at ten-thirty, flat on my back, arms folded across my chest like in the coffin, and felt like i’d just been unplugged from whatever vein to the universe pumps in the feelings of smallness and significance and simplicity and general enlightenment that can only be garnered when licking the iceberg.

i can’t avoid missing my sister and feeling cheated and dumped by her, by trying to manage and maintain everyone else’s feelings and brains and moods and therefore avoiding thoughts about my own. i can’t control the chaos of the universe by creating order in housework – no one i love judges me by the state of my domestic self and i won’t feel anymore in control with a spotless house.

at some point i have to breathe.