typical pre-holiday meltdown blah blah intestinally graphic

i feel right on the edge of running loops around the house while barefoot through the mud, rain, grass, dogshit while SCREAMING SCREAMING SCREAMING.

good, good, the cat just took down a stack of dvds. that helps. i’ll get that in a second. for now i’m just going to type and twitch while i have this free moment, kiddo cramming his face full of bagel.

where to begin? kitten is a woman, now, all of a sudden. the christmas tree is her mate of choice – oh, the things we’ve seen. the tree is a sad state of drooping lights and bent branches and cat hair. she yowls all through the night the last two nights, and climbs the walls. no one sleeps. she yowls through the day. she’s yowling now. i just locked her in her carrier for a half hour break. also, i dropped all my winter weight – BOOM – all my hard-earned T&A disappeared. suspected intestinal parasites, for that reason and others i will not detail. i was correct. now my body is ridding itslef of all infection and parasites, and the medicine has made my stomach ulcer start to bleed again. IT’S HORRIFYING. and like most any medication that pushes infection out of your system, it’s caused my entire face to break out. also today is the day of the Serpent Mound solstice event, and i was pretty sure i had plans to go to that – but now i’m pretty sure i’ve been ditched. i say ‘pretty sure’ because i’ve yet to be addressed directly about it, but i saw a facebook post about shit luck that i wasn’t sure had anything to do with me until pretty much TODAY. didn’t ask for a call, or even a text. shit, a facebook comment of  ‘sorry, can’t make it’ would’ve sufficed. i’m really not sure when communication dissolved into this level of passive-aggressive indirectness, that a random post on facebook that did not address me was supposed to be magically translated by me into a calling-off of plans. even now, i’m not sure it applied to me, i’m just looking for some sign that i wasn’t outright forgotten about, but just avoided for fear of facing my disappointment. i’m trying to give credit for.. shit, i don’t know. i would’ve loved some snow today. i can’t sleep, no matter how much i move things around and clean, there are still things everywhere and my one modest ‘i will keep the living room tidy for the holidays’ promise to myself seems impossible – there are dvds all over the floor, even now, that i should be picking up. i forgot to get candy for the stockings. i might vomit at any second.

the thing is, i KNOW in my left brain how good things are: my husband and son are healthy and love me and each other, the house is warm and cozy, and on christmas morning we’ll all be together.

it’s just hard to remember with the sounds of my guts rolling while they BURN, layered with the yowling cat, my son wanting kitty OUT of her carrier…

it’s my blog and i’ll cry if i want to. that’s all i have to say about this post. shaky hands. i need 4 xanax and ten minutes to myslef in the woods to just SCREAM AND SCREAM.

wish it would snow…..

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