snow, etc.

the snow is having a strange effect on my conscious and subconscious. i think it’s shutting me down – i don’t feel sad, or tired, or frustrated…. just … nothing. the deeper the snow the more disconnected i feel. all the rapidly spinning and creaking wheels and gears are sloooowing down, groaning – not stopping, mind you, just slowing down to minimum function.

i’m only technically conscious.

no writing. in the past couple days, no editing or reconstructing, either. mainly just staring. i can feel ideas stirring, beginning to wake up, trying to move around in the sludge, but my subconscious gives a big yawn and i feel that under-the-skin twitchiness that means things i don’t know about are cooking, i can feel it become still. winding down. like the key needs turned.

that knot on the back of my head from the bolt on the underside of the swing – that’s where the key goes. someone needs to shove something in there and give it a good crank, and soon. late at night, i can open an in-progress chapter, or a document i want to do notes on, and stare at the screen for an hour (yes, an hour) with my fingers over the keyboard. not reading. not contemplating, not daydreaming. not watching tv. just being unplugged.

january is a suck-ass month. the thing is, i love snow. i love to watch it snow. but it has a sedative effect on my brain, my creativity, my ability to form thoughts and ideas….

i opened the ‘new post’ page four times this morning before typing anything. just sat here, fingers over the keyboard. staring out the window at the swirling falling snow. occasionally sipping coffee. adam is next to me with a notebook and coloring book, a box of crayons and a bucket full of markers and colored pencils. deep in thought.

if i could crawl in bed and open the curtains, lie for hours watching the snow fall, thinking nothing, lost in limbo, stuck in the place between thoughts, i would.

not unhappy. not anything.

this is winter.


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