the christmas tree looks best in the middle of the night, when the lights are low and everyone is asleep and it’s the only warm thing in the room. huggable despite the white synthetic pine needles and wire branches. there are 4 metal bangle bracelets, a purple rubber Erase Hate bracelet, a pen on a string to hang around your neck, one of those plastic fake golf holes you put on the floor to put into, and a child-size stethoscope hanging from it, in addition to the ornaments.
this feels repetitive. i need to check my last post in case i mentioned this already – or if it’s just because i stare at the things adam has hung from the tree, looking for new things in the middle of the night, quite a bit.
nope. haven’t mentioned it. just a mind loop.
there are two nectarine-sized jack-o-lantern candles on the tv stand – the last of the halloween decorations i forgot to put away, i think. adam eyed them from the time they were placed there, and periodically asked to take them down and look at them. i let him. today i gave them to him – put one in each hand and said he could keep them. he was happy holding them, sitting on the couch half asleep with handfuls of orange candle, but at some point he put them back where they’d been. i wonder if i made some sort of tactical error, and he doesn’t really like them anymore since he can have them whenever…. or he just liked them there.
ten puppies on the porch, and one tired dog. she likes to lie in the sun by the dryer, away from them, and to play in the snow. she looks a little bored and a lot tired. she has that “this is my function”glazed look to her eyes. little mouths all over her. we make too much eye contact, i think. she’s waiting it out.
this is a ramble. i have no cold pills so i’m using benadryl to make the sleep come, and i’m going to type until i’m drowsy.
today we took adam to see santa. we picked him up from my mom’s at noon and headed in, he thinks snow boots make him ten feet tall, the child is invincible in snow boots. he was a little wary but went right up and hopped on his lap. said “i would like a fortress,” before he was asked and was ready to get down. then he stepped back to look at santa for a minute, and they made a little small talk, santa gave him a candy cane, they talked about bells, and adam had another go at the lap-sitting and was much happier about the whole experience. i got excellent pictures.
tomorrow i need to finish catching up on housework and try to get somewhat ahead, it’s “people are in town” week and i don’t want to think about laundry or clean floors. if eric and adam spend some hardcore playing time i can move around them, quietly productive, like a ninja housekeeper.
i think i will have most of thursday to myself, day-wise, and i think i’m going to turn off my phone and type until my fingers hurt. there will be no one else i’m supposed to be thinking about for a solid – well, from morning through about 3:40pm. i don’t know when the last time that has happened. the goal will be to keep the tv off and not spend the better part of the day napping and lying on my back like a bloated carcass, stinking and happy to remain at rest. if i can get my fingers in motion, they will be happy to stay in motion for the day… it will be a little christmas gift to myself. 6 or 7 hours of undivided attention to a world that only exists in my head. gluttony.
feeling a little sleepy i think. reptilian, but i always feel a little reptilian. everyone’s moods are like little raw eggs. nothing can be maintained, it’s maddening. circles and circles of assesment to see what everyone is feeling, what the moods are, what’s changed, is it the fucking barometric PRESSURE, i can’t control the barometric pressure… just trying to keep everything even and steady and not miss anything, not let anything get ruined. dance monkey, pour the tea, take the temperature, thumb in the wind, strngs on my fingers, bells in everyone’s hands, i need to stop passing out goddamned BELLS.
i’m not feeling grinchy. just, you know, like an uncooked egg, like everyone else. but i just bite down, or try to as much as possible. leak a little venom now and then and clean it up as efficiently as possible, throw some sugar over all of it to kill the bitter parts. leave no trace, you know.
maybe the benadryl has kicked in, i know i’ve stopped making sense.
just want the house clean so i don’t think about it. just want a little of the tension to ease out of everyone – this is a tense time of year, and that will never stop being bizarre. just want thursday to write. just want h- to go fuck herself for not even bothering to send so much as a TEXT since she woke up her first morning in louisiana. if you read this h-, merry christmas. just want an afternoon to myself. just want everyone to be happy for longer than ten minutes at a time. just want the kid to have a happy christmas – to be happy, excited, to enjoy himself. because after age 7, i think, it begins that descent to where i am now – maintenance. maintenance crew. and the maintenace crew just wants this to be over. just wants to SLEEP.